he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
