i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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