Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
