I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
