Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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