Where is the hickey?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
