I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
