put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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