he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
