you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
