I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
