it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
