Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
