I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
