That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
