Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
