he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
