she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
