pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
