my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
