all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
