Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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