I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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