Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
