I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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