I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
