She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
