Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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