I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
