my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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