so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
