I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
