After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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