In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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