I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
