new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
