connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
