I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
