I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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