It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
