So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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