remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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