Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
