My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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