shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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