that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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