I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
