i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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