my mouth tastes like poor choices
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
