I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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