True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
