The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
