he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
